I have been thinking of creating a blog about my life. Everyone is doing it, might as well follow and see what happens. I am a 30 year old woman, single mother to a little boy with autism, daughter, sister, and friend. I have started over many times in my life. Sometimes it was my own doing, sometimes circumstances were out of my control. June 15th 2011 was my last day as a gainfully employed woman. I am home now with my son due to behavior issues. My choice was to place him in a group home or stay home and live off the state. It wasn't a hard decision, but for a head strong, independent, and intelligent woman I deal with mixed emotions to say the least. I try to look at this as a blessing. As a time for me to bond with my son (he is already doing 100% better) and take some time to figure out what I am doing with my life. My therapist calls it an existential crisis, but I think it goes beyond that. I left what I call "my life" four years ago to try and help a loved one. That help was not received. Since then I have fought many battles. Being homeless and moving five times in six months, being part of a religious cult for 2.5 years, leaving said cult, enduring verbal and sexual harassment from a former employer for over a year, and I could continue the list, but if you follow the blog they will all eventually come out. One of the downfalls to not working is that you have ample time to contemplate. Contemplate the what was, what is, and the most dangerous, the what shall be.... I mean logically the what shall be no one knows. But that doesn't stop a single one of us from thinking about it. For some it is a passing thought, they may have led a life of relative security and they have no instinctual reason to question that it will always be that way. For some it is a dreaded thought that may be pushed out of the mind immediately or it may be dwelt upon. There are of course others, but that would cause me to digress. For most of my life, even from childhood, I have lived my life in the future. When I become 16 I will have the freedom to move about as I please. Once I graduate, I will have a measure of physical independence. Once I get a better job we will be able to afford a better home. Once my son can talk life will just be so much easier. Once I find someone to share my life with my heart will be full and I will be satisfied. At numerous times I have gone back to a time when I was seven. I was going through troubles within the family and without. I remember sitting on the toilet, crying, spinning the roll of tp, and wishing that I could be fourteen. It was as if my soul was crying out to God to transport me to a time that is better than this. It seemed to me that if I was just a little bit older I would have more control in my life. I remember being fourteen and recalling that incident. I was high and probably drunk, and I thought "Oh, if only I had known." So after a lifetime of living in the future, my current situation has caused me to live in the moment. Living in the moment is a hard thing to do for one who has set their hopes upon the future. It is hard to live in the moment when the moments are not only not what you want, but you also see no reason to hope for a better future. It is a shift, a change. Something we say we want when our lives are mundane, or at least not matching our ideals. How do we deal with such change? How do we cope with what looks like a step backwards? I do not know. But I know there is an answer for such a question. There are not answers for all questions, but I questions such as this I know there are answers.

After writing the little bit I have above I now know why I am writing this. I know I am not alone. Your situation may look different than mine, but I know in the very core of my being that I am not the only one who feels this way. I have been given a gift of writing that I have not used in a very long time. My hope is that through my writing your own questions may be answered. That your Spirit may be moved to take you higher than where you are. That you may question why you have done what you have always done and it may move you to do things in a way that is more beneficial to you and the world around you. And most importantly that you may enlarge your territory.

* I do realize that the title of this blog is 30 and looking forward  but there are times in life in which it is important to look back and assess. I am in that spot right now. Thank you for reading this and all of your comments, encouraging or critical, are welcome.